Published December 16, 2008
You always make me laugh.
You never make me cry.
Please don't let these final words
be my last goodbye.
More that expected,
you're really a nice guy.
I like the way you talk to me,
the way you say goodnight.
The last thing I need
is a ruined friendship.
Please don't let it get in the way
of the feelings you kept.
Thank you for helping me
through the good and bad.
You comforted me when I lost
the man I thought I had.
Yes, I may be single now,
but I still want him back.
I'm trying to recover
from that other girl's attack.
-Bailey Holcomb
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141,428 Literary Works • 674,410 Reviews
Hey, Baily. I'ma give you a full body crit. Hope you don't mind?
You always make me laugh.
You never make me cry.
Please don't let these--This line throws the reader. I didn't know how to read it to make fit with the rhythm you've created. It leaves you hanging, like there's supposed to be another word there. Please don't let these...what? Words? Tears? Looks? Please explain.
be my last goodbye.--consistent capitalization at the beginning of each line helps to one, create a rhythm, and two, keep the reader on track. I would highly recommend it.
More that expected,--More that expected. You mean then?
you're really a nice guy.--(Capital Y.)
I like the way you talk to me,
the way you say goodnight.--(Capital T.)The rhyme here is simple, almost in a childish way. It fits.
The last thing I need
is a ruined friendship.--(Capital I.)
Please don't let it get in the way
of the feelings you kept.--(Capital O.)
Thank you for helping me
through the good and bad.
You comforted me when I lost
the man I thought I had.--Alright, just a tad bit cliche. Okay, a lot cliche.
Yes, I may be single now,
but I still want him back.--(Capital B.)
I'm trying to recover
from that other girl's attack.--(Capital F.)
Decent poem. A bit cliche. Keep working on it.
--clue.
Hey, Bailey. I think that this stanza could go like this:
More than I expected,
you're a really nice guy.
I like the way you talk to me,
the way you say goodbye.
But you know that's just me. I think that's so true, and you really need to KEEP WRITING!!!!! You're so talented, you know that? I loved it; it was so beautiful.
That *sniff* was *sniff* beautiful! I loved it.
Those last two lines don't make that much sense.
But other than that, just beautiful! I love your poetry, Bailey. Good job, and gold star!